I'm BACK!

Hey all you who subscribe to my blog (all three of you I think),
Sorry I've been gone for awhile. We have had our world turned upside down, details to follow. . .

Some of you may already know that Krystal and I were expecting our second child. (That always sounds weird to say I am pregnant as well as Krystal so that's why I say "expecting"; is that weird to anyone else or just me? anyways...) At any rate, on November 4th we received the worst news of our lives. Krystal went in for a routine 17 week visit with her doctor, Pat Collier (who is the best midwife in the world.) To make a long story short, Krystal was informed that they could not find the heartbeat of our child and so was sent to get an emergency ultrasound at Maryview hospital. Krystal called me immediately, obviously terribly distraught. I left work at once and God parted the sea of cars so I could make record time. (I know God does not like when I speed but I feel He made an exception that day.) I have to say that I know now more than ever that my God is patient and understanding of our pain in life because the "conversation" I had with Him on the way to the hospital was nothing short of me demanding that He uphold His "end of the deal" in our relationship and take care of my wife and our baby.
I arrived at the hospital at the same time at Krystal and her mom (who came to drive her and take care of Brodie.) When we finally got to the room for the ultra sound and the tech was doing her deal I could barely stand my legs were so weak. The tech tried to move the screen and work quickly so Krystal would not see the results. However, I stood so that I could hold my wife's hand but still see what the screen was showing us. I did not see any movement in the first image but tried to convince myself that maybe the baby was sleeping. The tech went through all the measurements on the screen at lightning speed but she eventually got to what I figured out was the heartbeat monitor screen. . . it was nothing but flat lines. My heart sank to the floor. I kept trying to tell myself the machine must be broke; hoping I was not smart enough to know that what I saw was the truth. Krystal finally asked the lady what the results were and she informed her she was unable to find a heartbeat. I nearly lost the strength to stand.

Krystal and I could do nothing but hold each other and cry. To say that it was awful doesn't begin to grasp the pain we were feeling. Krystal's mom graciously kept Brodie for a for a few days while we attempted to process some of our grief. All Krystal and I could do was go home and hold each other and cry. It was truly the darkest time of my life. My heart hurt so much that at times I could barely breath. I hated watching my wife grieve the lost of our child nearly as much as I hated having to grieve the lost myself.

Vince and Chuck were a great support for me and Jen and Julie were great for Krystal. To tell you the truth many people were there for us and it was very comforting all the offers for support but Krystal and I pretty much stayed inside our house for a few days and cried and held each other. Afterwards Krystal still needed to go in for outpatient surgery to remove the baby. It was a rough day to say the least. If it were not for Vince and Chuck staying in contact (via text) and praying for me I do not think I could have handled it.

I must say that I never fully understood how much pain people were in who had lost a child before. I had always thought that if you had not held the baby then what's the big deal. Wow! I was such an insensitive idiot! I am sorry if there is anyone who reads this blog and you have dealt with this pain and I dismissed it. It is a grief that you can not begin to understand if you have not been through it.

The day after this horrible day I was driving back from work (who had sent me home to be with my wife, ITA was great through the whole process) and my wheel fell off while I was driving down the road. Literally fell off and was under the car. Yeah, like Coyote and Road Runner material right there. Well I was left on the side of the road waiting for Krystal to come get me, and a tow truck to pick up the car and take it to the shop ($4,000 worth of damage to be exact, yeah real nice huh? no it sucked.)

I know full well that this was all the work of satan (and I know that's a proper noun that should be capitalized but he's a jerk so he gets lower case!) I know this because he talked to me. Now just hold on a second; I know how crazy this sounds and I am sure you are already dismissing me as some nut. However, I know I hear from God, not audibly but like a small nudge inside of me. Well, that's what I got from that clown. I felt like satan said he would stop all the painful attacks if we would just not go to Vegas. Again I know this is certifiable material! So I am trusting you not to take me to the loony house. I know I hear from God but I never expected to hear from the devil but I know I did. And I know I told him to go screw himself; which I am sure is not what any other preacher would tell you to do if you were to talk to the devil but I did. I know God is in control anyway.

I have to be honest at the start of all of this I wanted nothing more than to run from God and turn to a bottle, pill or something to snort to take the pain away. I just couldn't. All I could do was turn to Jesus and let Him hold Krystal and I when we had no strength. It was crazy to sit and talk to the One who you know was the only One who could prevent all the pain but who was at the same time the source of all your comfort as well.


Well I know this is a long post but I had to tell you a little of what is going on in our lives. It has been the darkest time of my life and at the same time I have never been closer to Krystal. It has really given us a clearer perspective on what things in life are most important. We are more committed than ever to reach out to people in the world and specifically Vegas who are in pain and in a pit they can not see a way out. The only thing we can do sometimes is climb down in the darkness with them and take the Light to them so they can see their way up. That's still the plan, with God's help and guidance. Sorry it was so long and I know I jumped all over the place. Hope you could follow. I will make it a point to check back in with you guys more often.

Peace out!